We are designed for connection…

If there is one thing I know for sure it is that we are designed for connection. We are not designed to exist alone, in isolation. Keep in mind that in our prison systems, the worst punishment is called “solitary confinement.” It is not natural, it does not foster a sense of thriving, it is punishment…even torture.

I have always been a “people person.” I love connecting with people and being in the presence of those whom I love. I am, by nature, an introvert, but have learned to enjoy my extroverted side, as long as she is doing something she enjoys! I became a performer, a teacher, an instructor, a music director, and now a therapist who speaks and teaches in addition to my therapy work and breathwork. I have no problem speaking in front of hundreds (and probably thousands, although I have not had that opportunity yet!) of people and don’t even get me started about leading an entire congregation in song and hearing those voices rise together! That feeds my soul like nothing else. Taking all that into consideration, you can imagine how difficult it was for me during the pandemic! I was blessed to have my husband with me every day and my children and their partners quite often, and even a few friends who were willing to step outside the suggestions and gather occasionally to break bread, play a few games, laugh and share time together. I can only imagine how difficult it was for those who did not have that. I have to also say that my immediate family and I were not at all afraid of the virus, we were all in great health and had strong immune systems, so fear was never part of our daily lives. I am so grateful for that! It pained me to hear my clients (as I saw them via telehealth sessions) tell me how frightened they were of this virus. Even worse were the stories they shared about being separated from their loved ones who were in the hospital for various reasons (some totally unrelated to the virus.) The worst…those who had to watch (on an ipad) their loved one die and then be told by hospital security that they could not hug each other…could not console each other as they had to “socially distance” and remain at least six feet apart. What happened to us as a people that we would even think of supporting such a command? Fear. That’s what happened.

Fear can do a lot of things. I could write about many things fear did during the pandemic, but for today I am focusing on what it did to our ability to connect…what it did to prevent us from filling our need to connect. People began to see others as a threat. They assumed the worst. “You could be an asymptomatic carrier” I heard several times. “You could kill grandma if you bring the virus home” they were told. Children were kept from their friends, even if they were outside on playgrounds, which were often closed. Family members were forbidden to be with their loved ones in pain. Friends were cut off from friends. People literally were afraid to walk on the same side of the street with anyone. Grocery stores became a place of fear and anger, especially if you happened to walk up the aisle in the wrong direction if you missed the arrows that had been placed on the floor. Fear. “Stay away!” “Don’t come too close.! “Don’t gather for holidays!” “Don’t go to churches or gyms!” And even when we were “allowed” to go to church, we were told to leave space, don’t shake hands or hug, and definitely don’t sing!” UGH! The suggestions were more of a threat to our health than the actual virus in most cases!

I had unfortunate events in two groups of friends that caused us to be divided. Lack of information, misinformation, fear, caused individuals to turn against each other resulting in lost friendships for many, including me. With one group though, we were able to come through it, and although there were wounds, we were able to move past them and keep in mind just how much we loved each other and just how much our connection meant. This particular group of friends consists of 10 women who have known each other for over 40 years. They are my college friends and I am beyond grateful we were able to move past the differences and move forward as friends. There have not been conversations about the experiences, but the fact that we have been able to feel safe in each other’s company is amazing.

This happens to be the year this group of women all turn 60. We have been able to come together and talk about how we want to mark this milestone year for all of us. We have made a pact that we will acknowledge and celebrate each and every birthday and even have some rituals and decorations that will travel from person to person as we mark each birthday. We recently went away for a weekend and all but one of us was able to be there. We laughed, walked, ate, danced, sang, and played games. it felt like we were back in college again. As I sat there one of the times we were gathered in the living room of the home we rented, I was amazed. Amazed at how much life was in that room. Amazed at the different experiences and journeys we have each taken. Amazed that we have stayed close through it all and have made the friendships a priority. We are connected. Connected at a deep level. It feeds our soul to be together and have these gatherings. We share our joys and our sorrows, our achievements and our challenges. We share our love. This connection helped those who lived alone during the pandemic and it helps us all now as we face this next phase of life. We are all aging. We are bidding final farewells to our parents, other family members, and friends. We know the day will come when we will bid farewell to each of us. We have a connection that is incredibly special, and not even the pandemic and the fear used to control us could stop that connection. For that, I am grateful.

So, let us never forget that we are designed for connection. We are whole and complete by ourselves (I understand Jerry McGuire would not agree with me!) and at the same time, we need to connect with others. We are not meant to be alone, isolated, an island. We learn about ourselves from interactions with others. We give others an opportunity to learn about themselves through interactions with us. The energy is different when there are two or more gathered. Let us never forget that. We are designed for connection…with nature, with our animals, and of course, with other humans.

I will close this with the use of the word “Namaste.” I don’t use that word lightly. My understanding is that word conveys the understanding that combined with a bow to another we acknowledge that the divine in us is recognizing the divine in another. Let’s start there. No judgment. No animosity. Just respect…and connection.

Namaste.